Duckbeek

Blogging through the bullshit

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Living life

A novice blogger feeling her way through adulthood.

  • Coping with OCD and Anxiety: My Story

    Coping with OCD and Anxiety: My Story

    OCD is a strange thing. It comes in all sorts of forms and it can disguise itself very easily. When people think of OCD it is common for them to think of highly organized individuals who get stressed when things aren’t perfect, or even when people have to touch objects a certain way or a specific amount of times. Those are both common for people with OCD, but it’s really the tip on the iceberg on what someone could be experiencing.

    My name is Grace, and I’ve dealt with OCD for as long as I can remember. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t really tell anyone in detail on what started it, or what triggers it, but I can tell you my story. My OCD can disguise itself as anxiety, or depression, or maybe it could even cause those two things. I’ve gone to doctors about how to deal with my anxiety, but never felt truly where I wanted to be. Some days I won’t feel anxious, but my mind will still be whirling with different things on what could be wrong with me. I can rationalize these thoughts and not get scared by them, but most days they still just don’t go away.

    As a kid, I always knew I had a small form of OCD. I would constantly wiggle my toes, and would not feel right if I didn’t. Some days it would keep me up at night. I started thinking that I needed to touch my TV screen, and would therefore get up out of bed and touch my TV screen for no apparent reason other than I just had the thought and urge to do it. After a while, I was able to question myself and ask myself, “Well what would happen if I didn’t touch my tv?” Soon those thoughts went away.

    As I aged into a pre-teen I had a fear of being left alone in the house. I was just convinced that when I was alone someone was going to break into my house and hurt me in some way. Some days I would ignore those thoughts, but other days I would just lock myself up in my room until my parents came home. To be completely honest, I think this fear stemmed from watching too much true crime. However, I did not realize that other people did not have this fear, and I thought this was fairly normal, maybe a little paranoid, but I felt it was rational. Exposure therapy helped sort this one out.

    Now, onto current day. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I’ve learnt so much about myself, and wouldn’t take that back for the world, but it was challenging. I went though a lot of stress and change all at once and I think that I basically, “crashed out”. I started getting anxious about every little thing. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t be alone. Thankfully, that was at my lowest and I’m doing a lot better now. I found a therapist and psychiatrist that I really like, and now I’m on this journey to find a way to regulate my nervous system again.

    About a few months ago, I was diagnosed with GAD. Since then, I’ve spiraled and then gotten better, and then spiraled about something else and also gotten better. I started getting panic attacks everyday, multiple times a day, and I genuinely felt like I was going crazy and needed to go to a hospital. I was so scared of losing my mind and scared that I was going to end up being on the news for something horrible. This has never been a thought that went through my head. Eventually, after some long conversations with my therapist, I was able to find peace with myself and learn that what I’m going through is completely normal for someone with GAD.

    The fear of going crazy, eventually led me to believe that I was going to hurt somebody. It sounds so crazy to talk about and type out, but mental illness is used very loosely in all sorts of media. If you think about it, any true crime series you watch, or even most news reports, the narrator is talking about what kind of mental illness the guilty person has. So, I took that and ran with it, and was convinced that was going to be me. I was terrified. My head would constantly go in loops on what if this happened, or what if that happened. I thought that no one else had these thoughts and these images pop into their minds, and that it must mean that I’m going to lose it.

    Again, went to my therapist and faced another fear of mine which was to talk about it. I was so scared that she was going to judge me or look at me like I was crazy, or even call the cops on me. I told her about these thoughts that would pop into my head, and she just listened. She didn’t judge me, and she knew that that wasn’t me. She knew that my brain had just latched onto something, and was obsessively thinking about it. One thing that she said to me was, “It is completely normal to jump to worst case scenario.” That sentence just made it click for me, and those thoughts went away. I’ve always known that I jump to worst case scenario, but it’s very hard for me to realize it in the moment.

    Just about a month ago, I stumbled upon a Tiktok about someone describing what is called, “Harm OCD” and it described exactly what I was feeling and how I was thinking. I was so relived . Everything clicked into place. This isn’t just anxiety, this is my OCD talking again. It made me re-visit all the times I’ve had to cope with OCD in the past, and how a lot of my triggers don’t come from the triggers itself, it comes from my brain constantly replaying things and getting stuck on certain topics.

    So, now here I am today. I’m talking with my therapist about how to control, or how to get over my OCD thoughts. I’m starting to really understand myself, and how to cope with my very busy brain. My brain that never stops running.

    Even though this year has been tough, I wouldn’t change anything. This year will shape who I am as a person, and shape how I handle situations in the future. I have learnt so much, and wouldn’t change that for the world. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes, and it’s okay to get help. Otherwise, I’m not sure where I would be today.

    -duck

  • Your Yellow Brick Road: Finding Strength in Uncertainty

    Your Yellow Brick Road: Finding Strength in Uncertainty

    For as long as I can remember I was asked what I wanted to do when I was older. Questions like, “What career do you want to pursue?”, “Do you want children?”, “Are you going to college?”, “What is your ideal wedding like?”, etc. For some people, answers come naturally. Maybe it’s because they’ve always thought about it, or they had inspiration as a kid and just knew that’s what they were destined to do. For me, it was never that simple. In fact, they were crippling questions for me. I felt different for not knowing, and felt anxiety about never being able to find out.

    I would always explain to people that I don’t have a clue and that I just don’t think that far ahead. No one ever judged me. I always received encouraging responses like, “Oh, you have plenty of time to figure it out.” Encouraging words to some people, but for me it terrified me. What if I truly never figure it out. The answer is that you don’t ever have to truly figure it out. What if I just wasn’t meant to figure it out. Your path isn’t meant to be clear, and if it is, then it’ not the right path.

    I have had crippling anxiety about being ashamed of not knowing where I am headed and what lies ahead in my future. I’ve always known that I will indeed figure it out, but my anxiety came from the judgement of others. I was scared of getting looked down upon, and seen as lesser just because my path isn’t the “stereotypical” path one takes. I’ve had random strangers question me and give me advice that I did not ask for in the first place. This led me to a state of fear and constant worry.

    I’m able to understand that the people that truly know me and care about me, really couldn’t care less about what I do for a living. Yet, I still feel disconnected when I hear others talk about their accomplishments and their degrees that landed them wonderful jobs. I just can’t relate to that feeling of being proud of myself.

    So here I am, following my own yellow brick road and seeing where it leads me. Through lots of self help books and therapy I’ve learned that I am actually doing wonderful, and I do have lots to be proud of. I’ve accomplished lots in life, and have never stopped growing as a human. Every year, I am a different person from who I was last year. I love taking my past experiences and learning from them.

    So, if you’re like me, and your yellow brick road seems dim and hard to follow, that is okay. It will find you and lead you down the right path. We are not meant to follow a straight path. It’s meant to be filled with curves, and hills, and bridges, and obstacles that we sometimes fear we can’t pass. It’s meant to make us stronger and braver and make us into people we never thought we could be. Follow your heart and don’t be scared to take risks. What’s meant to be will be.

    -duck

  • Embracing Imperfections: The Real Life of a Showgirl

    I think we can all relate to the phrase, “Life of a Showgirl,” even if we aren’t Taylor Swift and/or literal showgirls. We all put on a show in our day-to-day lives whether we realize it or not. Posting on social media the good in our lives, presenting ourselves in a professional way in our workplace, or even just putting on a brave face when speaking to others. We like to put on a show and pretend like our lives are perfect, when in reality, no one is perfect. I learned that when I was in elementary school, watching Hannah Montana perform “Nobody’s Perfect.” Little did I know how much that would resonate with me now.

    Now, there is nothing wrong with presenting yourself as something you may not be. That is just a human experience. I do, however, find solace in people who also don’t hide their imperfections. Imperfections make us humans, and make us unique. If you think about it, being perfect is rather boring. No spice in our life as I would say. Imperfections make us grow as individuals, and make you stronger. Especially when you learn to accept your imperfections.

    Where am I going with all this? Honestly, I’m not quite sure. That sentence kind of resonates with me, because I think about what direction my life is headed every day. I think that’s just a staple in the life of a person in their mid 20s. Imperfections, questions, realizations, relating to things you watched when you were a kid, etc. Those are all things that help us grow. Grow into beautiful individuals with different lives, and different passions. I hope that not only I realize that this is all a process of growing, but everybody can take a different perspective on their day to day lives and realize that we are all growing.

    In the end, this post in itself, is an imperfection. No real subject, no real resolution. But, that is what life is about, and I hope that someone can read this and take something away.

    -duck